Are You a Dance Bully?

I’m aware that there are people who don’t like me. There has always been. Similarly, there are people that I like less than others. That’s the way it goes with everybody and there is nothing unusual about it. The good thing is that everybody can choose who they let into their lives and who not. At least in most of the cases.

If you are a partner dancer, and if your dance circles are small (as they many times are), it is likely that you will have some people around you that you might not otherwise choose to include in your life. Dancers come from different backgrounds and of course everybody can’t like everyone. Sure, it is very possible that there is nothing problematic in this, but it can also cause some negative consequences, because – let’s face it – people love to gossip. Gossiping can be done in a positive intention, but in the worst case it can even turn into nasty bullying or image ruining. I think that spreading negative image about one’s fellow dancers does nothing but bad not only to the dancer in question but in the long run also to the whole dance scene.

Everybody has their good and bad sides. Everybody. There is no way that someone is perfect – and even if s/he was that for one, the 'perfection' can irritate another. So practically there is always something negative to be found in any fellow dancer. However, on the other hand there is always something positive in each and every one. The main question is then which side one decides to emphasize when talking to someone about the fellow dancer. This question becomes more crucial if talking to someone who yet doesn’t know the dancer: deciding to tell negative aspects might cause the listener to create negative first impression about the target, and we all know how important first impressions are. Furthermore, what will a newcomer think about the dance scene if the first things s/he will hear are bad rumors about some of the dancers inside the scene? Think about it: would you like to step in to a dance community that includes these persons with (unnecessary) bad reputation?

I’m in favor of a positive and open atmosphere where issues are discussed with the party in question, not behind him/her. If there is something that bugs you off about me, I appreciate that you’d come to talk about it to me rather than going around telling other dancers something like “oh I know her, she’s a total bitch who doesn’t get along with anyone”. If you think that the target won’t find out that you’re the one spreading bad things about him/her, here’s a newsflash: what goes around comes around. So, why wouldn’t you instead go and talk straight to the person? Many things surely are just misunderstandings which could be easily solved – by talking to the person. If not done in this way, misunderstandings can easily transform into “common facts” which actually have no real basis at all. These “facts” will slowly but surely poison not only the dancer but also the dance community.

I know some cases where a dancer has been but in a really bad light, unnecessarily and without knowledge of actual facts. This can cause such a bad reputation that other dancers will start to avoid dancing, talking and interacting with the target. Quite a heavy outcome caused by misunderstandings, lack of knowledge, jealousness or other reasons out of control of the target.

I’m not saying that negative things should not be discussed. They should, but not in a form of bullying or talking badly behind one’s back. One should be extra careful when talking to new dancers who don’t know the target because this is the way stories can transform into nasty gossips. I’m not saying either that all gossiping should be banned. At least I’m interested on knowing what is happening in my dance community and spreading good stories helps to build up good and encouraging atmosphere for everyone.

Words are powerful. Saying something negative aloud creates a peak of bad energy (that is one reason why you also shouldn’t say negative things about yourself aloud!). The danger in telling negative stories is that they tend to spread around – and while spreading might even turn into worse than their original versions. It is true that also the listener should be careful of believing everything, but unfortunately people tend to believe the stories. Personally, though, I highly prefer getting to know to the target than to trust rumors about him/her. I also rather talk something good about my fellow dancers and refrain from spreading bad rumors. I think no one deserves that kind of bullying.

I regard that what someone decides to spread around about others reveals more about the storyteller than the target. Therefore a self-confident person who has a positive attitude towards life is more likely to choose positive things to tell because those are the ones that grab his/her attention. So the bottom line is: if you decide to spread negativity around and outside your dance scene, maybe you should first consider what it tells about you.

I’m aware that there are some interesting gossips going around in the dance circles about me at the moment. However, this post is not to defend myself – actually I find it surprising that an ordinary girl like me makes people talk so much! I have nothing to hide and I haven’t intentionally done anything bad for anyone. If for some reason you believe that I’m a bad, cold and selfish person, as the rumors go, I would be very interested of hearing why. I know it takes a courage to approach a person you have something against, but how about you tried? You might get surprised.