The Scary Advanced Follower Syndrome.

You could imagine that the better you get in partner dancing, the more everybody would like to dance with you. Sounds pretty logical, right, and actually this logic seems work with leader dancers: when they reach a certain level it will become hard for them to even leave the dance floor in dance parties let alone have time to go and ask someone for dance. Great, a nice reward for the hard work done!

However, when a follower reaches a certain level, instead of having the same reward of a constant dance queue, she is suddenly left alone. There are almost no leaders inviting her to dance and, thus, if she wants to dance she has to make the initiative herself. The question is: why?

A concrete example of this phenomenon can easily be found in any dance congress. All the leader teachers are exhausted after each party because it is impossible for them to leave the dance floor. The girls are literally attaching them just to have one dance with their favorite teacher. But if you pay attention to the follower teachers, they are mostly left in peace – not because they would reject all the dance invitations but because they hardly get any!

I have noticed this happening to myself too. I am rarely asked for a dance in any social dancing events. Of course it is not only the leaders’ task to make the dance invitations but if it is me who has to make the effort again and again, it just doesn’t feel nice. First I thought that maybe there is something wrong with my dancing or with me – I thought others just didn’t like dancing with me! Or maybe all the leaders were simply too busy since there are usually excess amount of followers around. But no, there were too many situations where leaders were making the invites that this could be the ultimate reason.

Then I realized there are some more universal rules happening behind this phenomenon: I call it the scary advanced follower syndrome.

The thing is, when a follower gets into more advanced level, the leaders below her level easily get intimidated by her. The leaders might think that they will not be able to impress her or to make the kind of moves she would like to be led. They might get worried that she will get bored. They might be worried that she will reveal all his mistakes. Thus, she becomes a scary advanced follower in the eyes of the leaders and as a consequence the leaders will start avoiding her.

I have to admit that I can kind of associate with the feeling though. When I started dancing Zouk I was terrified of asking teachers to dance with me and at some point I was even avoiding of getting any dance invites from them. You see, I knew that I wasn’t able to follow many of the moves they normally led and I felt bad when my skills were inadequate to keep up the dance flow. I felt lost especially if I was supposed to do any head movements. As a follower you never know what was going to happen and I was expecting the worst: that something too difficult would come and that I would of course screw it up. However, I don’t see the leaders having the same problem. Leaders know (because it’s their job to decide) what kind of movements there will be and they are familiar with those movements. Since the follower is more advanced it is likely that she will understand what movement the leader wants to lead and thus there will not be any unexpected new movements that could scare off the leader. Also, a more advanced follower is capable of fixing some possible small mistakes the leader makes and thus to add more flow to the dance. So what is the problem?

“Yes, I think you are scary”, I was told when discussing about this topic the other day with my dancer friends. “But don’t take it personally – it’s mostly a matter of a male ego!”


So that is the thing: male ego! Well guys, you better grow some balls and start dancing with everybody because I didn’t spend countless of hours of improving my dancing skills just to be left alone in dance parties! Besides, I’m not looking for advanced or complicated moves or someone to impress me. I just want to dance. It is not that I would like to dance only with advanced leaders – I want to dance with everyone. For me partner dancing is a conversation and I would like to have a big variety of conversations with different kind of dancers, from beginners to professionals and everything in between. So what if I have better technique than you: there will also always be dancers who will have better technique than what I have and that doesn’t make me any worse off. So what if another leader can do "more" than you: sometimes less is more. So what if everything is not working out: make it part of the conversation.

Dancing isn’t all about technique or the level you are in but the way you connect with your partner in that very moment you share together in the dance floor. I'm not expecting showy lifts, crazy combinations or mind-blowing figures. Just feel the dance and enjoy it – and stop putting your male ego in between!

Let me tell you a secret before I finish: I'm not really that scary.

Are You a Dance Bully?

I’m aware that there are people who don’t like me. There has always been. Similarly, there are people that I like less than others. That’s the way it goes with everybody and there is nothing unusual about it. The good thing is that everybody can choose who they let into their lives and who not. At least in most of the cases.

If you are a partner dancer, and if your dance circles are small (as they many times are), it is likely that you will have some people around you that you might not otherwise choose to include in your life. Dancers come from different backgrounds and of course everybody can’t like everyone. Sure, it is very possible that there is nothing problematic in this, but it can also cause some negative consequences, because – let’s face it – people love to gossip. Gossiping can be done in a positive intention, but in the worst case it can even turn into nasty bullying or image ruining. I think that spreading negative image about one’s fellow dancers does nothing but bad not only to the dancer in question but in the long run also to the whole dance scene.

Everybody has their good and bad sides. Everybody. There is no way that someone is perfect – and even if s/he was that for one, the 'perfection' can irritate another. So practically there is always something negative to be found in any fellow dancer. However, on the other hand there is always something positive in each and every one. The main question is then which side one decides to emphasize when talking to someone about the fellow dancer. This question becomes more crucial if talking to someone who yet doesn’t know the dancer: deciding to tell negative aspects might cause the listener to create negative first impression about the target, and we all know how important first impressions are. Furthermore, what will a newcomer think about the dance scene if the first things s/he will hear are bad rumors about some of the dancers inside the scene? Think about it: would you like to step in to a dance community that includes these persons with (unnecessary) bad reputation?

I’m in favor of a positive and open atmosphere where issues are discussed with the party in question, not behind him/her. If there is something that bugs you off about me, I appreciate that you’d come to talk about it to me rather than going around telling other dancers something like “oh I know her, she’s a total bitch who doesn’t get along with anyone”. If you think that the target won’t find out that you’re the one spreading bad things about him/her, here’s a newsflash: what goes around comes around. So, why wouldn’t you instead go and talk straight to the person? Many things surely are just misunderstandings which could be easily solved – by talking to the person. If not done in this way, misunderstandings can easily transform into “common facts” which actually have no real basis at all. These “facts” will slowly but surely poison not only the dancer but also the dance community.

I know some cases where a dancer has been but in a really bad light, unnecessarily and without knowledge of actual facts. This can cause such a bad reputation that other dancers will start to avoid dancing, talking and interacting with the target. Quite a heavy outcome caused by misunderstandings, lack of knowledge, jealousness or other reasons out of control of the target.

I’m not saying that negative things should not be discussed. They should, but not in a form of bullying or talking badly behind one’s back. One should be extra careful when talking to new dancers who don’t know the target because this is the way stories can transform into nasty gossips. I’m not saying either that all gossiping should be banned. At least I’m interested on knowing what is happening in my dance community and spreading good stories helps to build up good and encouraging atmosphere for everyone.

Words are powerful. Saying something negative aloud creates a peak of bad energy (that is one reason why you also shouldn’t say negative things about yourself aloud!). The danger in telling negative stories is that they tend to spread around – and while spreading might even turn into worse than their original versions. It is true that also the listener should be careful of believing everything, but unfortunately people tend to believe the stories. Personally, though, I highly prefer getting to know to the target than to trust rumors about him/her. I also rather talk something good about my fellow dancers and refrain from spreading bad rumors. I think no one deserves that kind of bullying.

I regard that what someone decides to spread around about others reveals more about the storyteller than the target. Therefore a self-confident person who has a positive attitude towards life is more likely to choose positive things to tell because those are the ones that grab his/her attention. So the bottom line is: if you decide to spread negativity around and outside your dance scene, maybe you should first consider what it tells about you.

I’m aware that there are some interesting gossips going around in the dance circles about me at the moment. However, this post is not to defend myself – actually I find it surprising that an ordinary girl like me makes people talk so much! I have nothing to hide and I haven’t intentionally done anything bad for anyone. If for some reason you believe that I’m a bad, cold and selfish person, as the rumors go, I would be very interested of hearing why. I know it takes a courage to approach a person you have something against, but how about you tried? You might get surprised.

Living in a Dance Bubble.

What we perceive as normal behavior is hugely affected by the environment we live in and the people which we are surrounded by. Living in a dance environment and having all these dancers around me has definitely given an impact on me. For me it’s normal to spend almost all of my free time on dancing. For me it’s like an automation to go to my dance classes – even if I had something else that evening that something else is just not going to happen. For me it’s normal to plan my holidays around dancing – everybody does dance festivals regularly, right? Who would be interested on going to some holiday destination that doesn’t have a dance scene, let alone to move into a place like that? It is normal to build my life around dancing, to (almost exclusively) have friends that dance and on top of that to write about it to an online diary.

I was walking home from a dance party late on Monday evening, something yet again a normal thing for me to do, and started to think about the situation. It was slightly raining and the streets were empty. I didn’t have that great night dancing, maybe because my feet were hurting badly after a two hour tango class before the party. Suddenly I felt somehow empty. Was this the thing I want out from my life? To run to a dance class after work, followed by more dancing until late night until I crash to bed (meaning an unpleasant wake up the next morning after short sleep), and repeating the same pattern the next day? Work, eat, dance, sleep, repeat. To be honest, there’s not that much more in my life. Isn’t that a bit… limited?

Lately I have been giving this a thought quite regularly. Do I really want dancing to take up so much time from my life that I don’t have much left for anything else? I mean, the world is full of exciting things to do, interesting people to meet, new skills to learn and beautiful feelings to feel! From all those I have chosen, for the last couple of years, to dance. That very moment this choice had led me to walk alone in the empty streets of Helsinki on Monday night and I got a cold feeling that I want something more.

I have to admit some things to myself. I have to admit that sometimes dancing has been my way of escaping from reality. Sometimes dancing has been my way of fulfilling a need for physical closeness. Sometimes dancing has been my way of ignoring the feeling of loneliness. Sometimes dancing has been my way of staying in my comfort zone. Sometimes dancing has been my way of feeling less insecure.

Have I been living in a dance bubble?