Dating a Dancer.

To date or not to date a dancer: that is the question. I touched upon this topic already ages ago in my previous post, but the question seems to be something that I realize coming back every now and then. I was single when I started partner dancing and back then I used to have the opinion that dancers are definitely in my 'no-list'. Well, I nevertheless ended up dating a dancer for quite a long time and therefore I can now say from the experience that the dating a dancer itself - and breaking up with a dancer - sure has it's good and bad sides.

When I was getting into my dating a dancer relationship, there were many hesitations going through my mind. Would it be worth to endanger the awesome feeling I was having with him in the dance floor? Would it be worth of possibly putting some of my dance friendships in danger to go further with this guy? Do I want to put myself under the dance community's observing eye and be exposed to some inevitable gossip? And what if we break up - will it be possible to successfully go on in the dancing scene with a good attitude towards him? So even considering to date a dancer has an extra layer of caution. Even doing a simple thing as going on a casual date with a dancer isn't that simple thing for me: I think not only twice but at least trice before I would say yes to a date invitation. It might happen that I connect with the other amazingly well in the dance floor but after a boring date the excitement in the dance floor is gone. Or what if the date goes well and the other starts to expect more from me that I'm willing to give? On the other side are the possible gossips inside the dance scene that dating around might cause. I love social dancing so much that I don't want to create any disturbances or extra drama to my dancing environment, so I'd rather go with a better-to-be-safe-than-sorry attitude. Surely, there are dancers who see dancing as an easy way of finding that special person, but for me that is not the case. I just want to dance.

So if even going on a date with a dancer was tricky, having a relationship with one can be far away from easy. It has been already quite a while ago that I read an interesting article from one dance instructor who thought that "the one" simply cannot be found from dance scene. According to her, the dancer men will be meeting "new, younger, faster, better models every week and end up ignoring you, breaking up with you, or worse, physically abusing you in the end." I can't say that I agree with everything she says, but I must say that seeing your man having an extreme sensual dance with another girl right next to you requires quite a stable and healthy relationship. I too had my moments of jealousness and I can't say that we wouldn't have had some I-saw-how-you-danced-with-that-girl/guy typed arguments. However, we both knew that what happens in the dance floor can be left to the dance floor (of course taken that what happened in the dance floor was inside the limits of dancing). If the relationship doesn't have a strong base or if both don't think of dancing the same way, it is easy to find trouble. I know I sometimes like dancing physically quite close, and I wouldn't like to change that just because I dated another dancer.

One of my friends, who dates a non-dancer guy, said that it is so much better to date a non-dancer because then the dance parties she goes are her own time and when she is there she doesn't need to worry about what he would think of her dancing with other guys. Out of sight, out of mind. Some others have said that it is great to have a dancer boy/girlfriend because you can do both the dance party and spending time with him/her at the same time. This goes well if you both are as into dancing as the other is; in my case I might have been a bit more dance enthusiastic wanting to arrive the party earlier and also to leave it later - yet another juicy source for unnecessary argument there. But if both of you are equally big dance addicts, dancing is a great connecting factor (imagine, for example, all those wonderful possibilities to go to dance festivals or other dance trips together!). I have both good and bad experiences of having a boyfriend in dance parties. Sometimes it was just so perfect having him there, spending time together doing something both loved to do and to dance the last ah-so-romantic song with my very own dancer. Sometimes having him there was just a disturbance for me, the dances we had were simply horrible and in the end there was a tough decision to be made between whether to stay out dancing or to leave earlier to fall asleep in his arms.

Maybe the biggest advantage in dating a dancer, though, is that a dancer is able to understand the dancer side of you: what dancing is, what it means, what are the limits, why you want to spend so much time doing it, why you need to get your dance fix, how you live your life through dancing etc. I once shortly dated a non-dancer and it was quite impossible to explain him why dancing was so important for me and why I was, according to him, "always" dancing. Also the physical closeness of dancing was something strange, incomprehensible and unnecessary source of jealousness for him. In the end it came down to choosing him or dancing and, well, that's how it ended up short. So, a dancer can better understand what dancing is - and what it is not. Also, viewing dancing from a dancer's perspective allows both to have a deeper understanding on the other's dancing self. After all, dancing is such a big part of me that I would like to my partner to know also that side! Not understanding the dancer me would be like not knowing a big part of me; there is a danger that he would never be able to understand who I really am. This is one reason why many of my dancer friends say they would rather date a dancer than a non-dancer: to be able to connect in a dance-level. And isn't it every dancer girl's dream come true to be one of those amazing, cute and hot dance couples that you just cannot stop staring because of their intense dance connection full of love and desire...

Then what if everything doesn't go as smooth as planned, that is, if a dancer had dated and broken up with another dancer, it is possible to successfully go on in the dancing scene with a good attitude towards the dated dancer? Because let's be honest: if you break up, you are inevitably forced to face each other in the same parties and circles again and again. There is no way of avoiding the other unless one changes the circles, that is, stops dancing your common dance style. If that is not going to happen (as it most probably is the case), is it possible to go back as if nothing had happened? What a horrible thought it is of being in a dance party full of your ex-boyfriends with who you can't get along after some fiery break-ups! There goes the comfortable dancing environment I was talking about. And what about the amazing dance connection between you two that possibly was the initial trigger to your relationship: will you ever get that back?

 

Of course it depends on the dancers whether or not they can get along. I've seen this causing a lot of drama and trouble but I've also witnessed some good after-dating friendships being established. Being forced to see each other can even have a positive effect both to your own recovery and to your new mutual relationship. It might not be the easiest thing to do, especially if the break-up itself was already tough enough, but in the long run the forced encounters will do you good, especially if your intention is to build some sort of friendship between you two. Don't expect this to happen overnight, though, because it will take time. When I had just broken up, I always needed to know in advance whether he would be in the party I was going so I could be ready to confront him. But even though I was mentally prepared to meet him, my heart would remind me of itself the moment I would see him. Dancing with him felt either heartbreaking or made me feel really annoyed. I was simply feeling better and had better dances when he was not around. Now I'm already used seeing him around and we've had some great dances together reminding me in a good way what a great leader I used to date and what a great leader I'm going to have as a friend (though I must admit that seeing him openly hitting on the next dancer girl in a dance party not too long after the break-up did make my blood boil for a while!). Actually, now the first genuine feeling I get when I notice him in a dance party is that I'm happy to see him as I'm happy to see any of my other closer dance friends. I can't say that seeing my other exes unexpectedly would feel as natural and comfortable as seeing him.

So yes, it is possible to have a comfortable dance environment regardless of your ex being there and even to have back that good dance connection you used to share. If you meet someone with who you really connect in a romantic level, I think it would be just silly to let something like "what if we break up and I have to see my ex all the time" being a big obstacle. That said, being comfortable with having your ex in your dance scene does take quite a bit time and effort to achieve (and in some cases it might even be impossible), so I would still be pretty cautious of dating inside my dance scene. As I said: I just want to dance.