What Am I Dancing For?

This is a question I have been thinking a lot lately. Many have been asking why I haven't been updating this blog and one reason is that I simply have been too busy with my life. Other, and maybe more significant, reason is that I have had a feeling that I have nothing to say about dancing. It is not because I would have stopped dancing. The problem is that dancing comes from my heart, and if that fact suddenly changes, nothing feels the same anymore.

When I was dancing a lot last fall, many dancers warned me something what they called a dance burn out. I guess this is something I experienced last month, and trust me, it was not a nice experience. Now that I look back I have to say that I did everything to make that happen. My life was not balanced but ruled over by one thing I loved: dancing. Even though I really enjoyed my dancing-full life that gave me an extreme amount of joy, an unbalanced life never leads to anything good. A short break from dancing made me question my motives behind filling my whole life with dancing. What am I dancing for? Or rather: what am I running away from?

After Christmas dancing just didn't feel the same anymore. Honestly, I did not want to dance. When I did dance, I wanted to get out of there. It is hard to put my feelings into words, but the best description I can come out with would be anxiety. I felt empty during dancing. No music inspired me, and even though I tried my best to find those strong feelings I used to get from dancing, I felt no happiness, no sorrow, no passion, nothing. I didn't feel like myself, it was like I was someone else, a stranger that I never wanted to be. I thought starting my dance classes again would do the trick but I was just checking the time constantly, hoping the class to end. I tried going to dance parties but found myself bored and feeling like an outsider. So, I stopped going out dancing and started to skip my dance practices as much as I could. This stranger scared me. Who was I? What was wrong with me?

It wasn't just me who noticed the change. People started to ask why I had disappeared from dance events and I got worried looks from my dance partners. One Tuesday evening I was sitting in Havanna and suddenly I asked my friend what he would think if I just quit dancing. He looked scared. "From the moment we met", he said, "you have been always talking how much dancing means to you, and now you want to quit? Stop talking nonsense girl!". He was right: I was only making my anxiety grow by exaggerating my negative feelings.

Then suddenly, at some point last week, the stranger in me decided to vanish. Now it even feels weird to write down all these negative experiences I had just a while ago. I even wonder if that ever happened, if it really was possible to have those strange feelings. Last week's dance practices were all just awesome: Wednesday with Michaelo (best practice for a long time, as he said, and I couldn't agree more), Thursday in HOT (Rumba, one of my favorites + spinning technique class), Friday morning with Mr A., Saturday with JV (we both left the practice with a shining dance-glow in our faces) and finally Sunday's Zouk practica in HSA. Especially Sunday I was able to reach an intensive dance flow that just took all over me. I guess last time I had that kind of feeling was in the Zouk festival last November.

So, finally, I am back being myself. I cannot tell you how big relief that is for me! I guess after some time I will be able to understand better why I felt the way I did and how I got out from it. I apologize for the long posting break, but I was actually surprised that so many have been asking new posts from me. I started to write about dancing only as a diary for myself, so I am happy that there are people who are interested about my dancing life, and I will try to update that here at least once or twice a week. Is there something particular You would like me to write about? This weekend I am going to Amsterdam Salsa & Zouk Festival with Michaelo so at least you'll find some videos from the festival next week here.