Two Strangers.

Since that night it was clear we needed to dance again soon. So we did.

My lucky day, Friday the 13th. My heart was beating faster than normal when I walked to pick him up. Smile. Hug. Long hug.

We didn’t care it was a Kizomba party that night; we zoukked it up. Only few dancers showed up – great, more space to dance, we both noted. First dance since then and we couldn’t hide our smiles. After that, there was no one else. Connection, laugh, play, joy. Long talks ‘till early hours. Who is this stranger with who I connect so perfectly?

Breakfast, our first practice. Amazing brunch, nap, another practice, dinner. Sleep-eat-dance kind of a day, just the way we both imagine a perfect day to be like. Like our own private dance festival weekend. Conveniently, a beautiful Valentine’s Day zouk party just happened to be on town. I couldn’t stop dancing with him in my mind even when dancing with others. Our special connection was too obvious to hide. Last dance and there was no doubt with who we both wanted to dance it with.

Slow Sunday for sharing our thoughts of dancing and dance stories. Way too much in common. Off to yet another practice that turned out the most fun and inspiring practice ever. Suddenly the stranger didn’t feel like a stranger at all.

Off to work half-sleep – it seemed we had too much to talk about. Testing our dance connection in a tango class. Wow, we just work together. One more dance party where we could go crazy. And crazy we went.

It is just amazing what dancing can bring into my life. The weekend was so much more either of us ever expected. A beautiful start for a beautiful friendship between two dance-holics. Freaking intense.

Thank you Daniel. For the dances, the perfect moments, your openness, the laughs, for making me feel that everything just makes sense in this world.

New Year’s Promises.

I guess it belongs to every blogger’s responsibilities to write some kind of wrapping of the year post. However, I regard it more as a responsibility for myself to go back to what has been going on in my life during the past year. New Year is not only time for dreaming for the year to come but also time for reflecting myself: where did I start from, what kind of journey did I make and where I am now.

It feels like the year has passed by really quickly (I wonder if the time is just accelerating its speed each year you grow older…?), but my journey during it has clearly left its marks on me. I feel stronger, more self-aware and awake. I have learned to view things in more positive way and to wander the beauty and wonders of my surroundings. I have learned to love, respect and listen to myself more. I have learned to give everything of me and to let go. I have learned to see my self-centralism and my self-serving needs. I graduated from law school and started my professional career. I went through two difficult endings. I got myself a place to call home. In the end of all of this, I’m proud to say that I have grown into a better version of myself.

Still, after this tough but amazing journey I feel somehow lost. Now it is time to find my path for my next adventure.

Dance-wise my year has taught me a lot. I decided to concentrate on my primary dance style and that decision has borne its fruit. I have been obediently attending to my Zouk classes three nights per week, paying closely attention to the slightest details and minor variations. In consequence I have taken a big step forward and been given some unforgettable opportunities to show what I’ve got. Yet, there is lots of potential in me to go further and I’m eagerly looking forward next year’s challenges to come.

One year ago I wrote that I want to learn to “think more positively of everything”. In relation to dancing I especially didn’t “want to find myself in the situation where I would put myself down because I don't improve, because I'm not as good as I wanted to be or because sometimes my body just doesn't behave the way I wanted to”. I’m now happy to realize that even though I have been concentrating to improve my dance technique, I haven’t gone into this negative mind-setting where I have been many times before. Even though my dancing has been focused on learning more than having fun in dance parties, I have been able to keep the joy of dancing present in my practices. This is something I definitely want to take with me from this year.

What am I looking from the new year then? Firstly, I’m hoping to find a dance partner since this year was the first without one. I have been doing well on my own but I feel like something is missing. A dance partner is someone with who I can share my passion with, dream together, have common goals and improve with. Partner dancing is something to do with someone, with a partner, so that is something what I wish for. Secondly, I’m going to work with my balance and body control. One way of doing this is starting some sort of partner acrobatics with a dancer friend of mine. I’m also going to continue my yoga journey towards more stability demanding asanas and hand balances.

Thirdly, I’m going to concentrate more of my energy to love. Yes, you read that right, love. I want to learn to love more – of everything. I’m not talking (only) about romantic kind of love here. I want to love myself more. I want to love my friends more. I want to love my family more. I want to love more of the things I do. I want to love life more. I want to think of dancing more like spreading around universal love: partner dancing can be like giving love to your partner; taking care of him (or her), giving all of your concentration to him, enjoying the dance to the fullest with him, channeling your positive energies to him and making him feel good about your connection. Yes, I want to love more the dancers I dance with.

I want to fall in love with every single dance I dance through the year to come.

One thing is for sure: I will start my year 2015 with a proper cleaning of myself – physically and mentally – for getting the best possible kick off for my new journey. I wish you all happy New Year and new exciting adventures to come!

The Scary Advanced Follower Syndrome.

You could imagine that the better you get in partner dancing, the more everybody would like to dance with you. Sounds pretty logical, right, and actually this logic seems work with leader dancers: when they reach a certain level it will become hard for them to even leave the dance floor in dance parties let alone have time to go and ask someone for dance. Great, a nice reward for the hard work done!

However, when a follower reaches a certain level, instead of having the same reward of a constant dance queue, she is suddenly left alone. There are almost no leaders inviting her to dance and, thus, if she wants to dance she has to make the initiative herself. The question is: why?

A concrete example of this phenomenon can easily be found in any dance congress. All the leader teachers are exhausted after each party because it is impossible for them to leave the dance floor. The girls are literally attaching them just to have one dance with their favorite teacher. But if you pay attention to the follower teachers, they are mostly left in peace – not because they would reject all the dance invitations but because they hardly get any!

I have noticed this happening to myself too. I am rarely asked for a dance in any social dancing events. Of course it is not only the leaders’ task to make the dance invitations but if it is me who has to make the effort again and again, it just doesn’t feel nice. First I thought that maybe there is something wrong with my dancing or with me – I thought others just didn’t like dancing with me! Or maybe all the leaders were simply too busy since there are usually excess amount of followers around. But no, there were too many situations where leaders were making the invites that this could be the ultimate reason.

Then I realized there are some more universal rules happening behind this phenomenon: I call it the scary advanced follower syndrome.

The thing is, when a follower gets into more advanced level, the leaders below her level easily get intimidated by her. The leaders might think that they will not be able to impress her or to make the kind of moves she would like to be led. They might get worried that she will get bored. They might be worried that she will reveal all his mistakes. Thus, she becomes a scary advanced follower in the eyes of the leaders and as a consequence the leaders will start avoiding her.

I have to admit that I can kind of associate with the feeling though. When I started dancing Zouk I was terrified of asking teachers to dance with me and at some point I was even avoiding of getting any dance invites from them. You see, I knew that I wasn’t able to follow many of the moves they normally led and I felt bad when my skills were inadequate to keep up the dance flow. I felt lost especially if I was supposed to do any head movements. As a follower you never know what was going to happen and I was expecting the worst: that something too difficult would come and that I would of course screw it up. However, I don’t see the leaders having the same problem. Leaders know (because it’s their job to decide) what kind of movements there will be and they are familiar with those movements. Since the follower is more advanced it is likely that she will understand what movement the leader wants to lead and thus there will not be any unexpected new movements that could scare off the leader. Also, a more advanced follower is capable of fixing some possible small mistakes the leader makes and thus to add more flow to the dance. So what is the problem?

“Yes, I think you are scary”, I was told when discussing about this topic the other day with my dancer friends. “But don’t take it personally – it’s mostly a matter of a male ego!”


So that is the thing: male ego! Well guys, you better grow some balls and start dancing with everybody because I didn’t spend countless of hours of improving my dancing skills just to be left alone in dance parties! Besides, I’m not looking for advanced or complicated moves or someone to impress me. I just want to dance. It is not that I would like to dance only with advanced leaders – I want to dance with everyone. For me partner dancing is a conversation and I would like to have a big variety of conversations with different kind of dancers, from beginners to professionals and everything in between. So what if I have better technique than you: there will also always be dancers who will have better technique than what I have and that doesn’t make me any worse off. So what if another leader can do "more" than you: sometimes less is more. So what if everything is not working out: make it part of the conversation.

Dancing isn’t all about technique or the level you are in but the way you connect with your partner in that very moment you share together in the dance floor. I'm not expecting showy lifts, crazy combinations or mind-blowing figures. Just feel the dance and enjoy it – and stop putting your male ego in between!

Let me tell you a secret before I finish: I'm not really that scary.

Partner Dancing to the Power of Two.

For me partner dancing is, at its best, a conversation. A conversation between the leader and the follower about the interpretation of the music. By this I mean a true conversation into which both of the dancers can and will contribute to: a conversation which direction can be influenced by either one. It is true that the leader has to lead and the follower has to follow, that is the way partner dancing works, but it doesn’t mean that the leader wouldn’t need to follow or that the follower should turn into a passive ‘doll’ leaving the whole interpretation to the leader.

I’m not talking about ladies’ styling or men’s styling here. This styling is supposed to be done in a way that it doesn’t affect the outcome of the movement/figure the leader chooses to lead. Sure, styling can be a big part of the interpretation of the music, but the thing is that it doesn’t necessarily create conversation, simply because of the previously mentioned: ideally the follower can do her styling without interfering the lead and the leader doesn’t have to change the lead without interfering the follower’s styling. Thus, the trick to ladies styling is to find the small spots where the follower has freedom to interpret the music by herself.

This topic came into my mind when we were practicing dynamic dancing in our Zouk class the other day. The challenge for the followers in the exercise was to sense the change of energy and speed of the lead and to react to the change accordingly. It goes without a saying that this is an important skill for the follower (as well as the skill to change and play with the dynamics is for the leader). However, what I was missing in the exercise was the follower’s possibility to influence the dynamics of the dance: a possibility to step out of being a (yet responsive but) passive doll and to take part of the conversation. So I brought up whether I could suggest the leader for something I was hearing from the music, say, more energetic movement, an accent or a soft stretch for example.

I used the word suggest because taking part of the conversation doesn’t mean that I want to take over the lead. I still want that the leader is leading the conversation but I don’t want him to control it so that I won’t be able to say anything. Doing ladies styling in those tiny spots of freedom is not suggesting either because those are done exactly in those moments of independency. By suggesting I mean doing something that the leader, if he is listening to the follower, can sense as an input or influence to the conversation, and by which the movement develops to something different that the leader originally had in his mind.

Conversation in partner dancing is therefore kind of an endless series of counter-reactions. The leader leads something and the follower reacts. This is nothing new. But then if the leader, instead of yet again leading something and the follower reacting (and repeating this the whole dance through), in his turn counter-reacts to the reaction of the follower, the door for conversation opens. The leader’s counter-reaction is not giving up leading but rather giving up the control to determine totally in advance what is going to happen next. Maybe the follower reacted in a bit different way that the leader expected, but instead of going ‘oh now my next move got messed up because she couldn’t follow my lead’ he would try to explore what this unexpectancy could offer, thus to react to the follower’s reaction. Some might call it plan B (and/or plan C etc.) of the next movement but this is not exactly what I’m looking after here because even in this case the leader has made up a plan before the actual movement. The counter-reaction is rather something that comes up naturally or instinctually from the movement in hand. This obviously requires quite advanced level of leading and an ability to step out from the pre-determined set of figures.

So what is the point of creating this conversation? Isn’t partner dancing about leading and following, about the leader controlling the movements? Well, have you ever had this experience where you haven’t been 100 percent sure who was leading the dance even though there was clearly a leader and follower dancing? I by no means mean a situation where the follower is not following and is taking over the lead, but a situation where the couple is dancing synchronized together, counter-reacting to each other’s movements. Usually both come out of the situation confused feeling that yes something unusual happened but they don’t know what or how – it just happened. Movements that either one had never done before, movements that just flew together. This I would call partner dancing to the power of two.

From a follower’s perspective, this conversation gives me the opportunity to get involved and to use more my musicality. It gives me the opportunity to be something more than a doll to be danced around with. I love playing around with the music and thus I enjoy dancing with someone who also listens to me while I'm listening to him. In this way I feel like me and my partner are even better connected, forming together one body instead of two, because both are listening and telling the common story. In this way, either one will never know what will happen, except that it will be something magical.

Dating a Dancer.

To date or not to date a dancer: that is the question. I touched upon this topic already ages ago in my previous post, but the question seems to be something that I realize coming back every now and then. I was single when I started partner dancing and back then I used to have the opinion that dancers are definitely in my 'no-list'. Well, I nevertheless ended up dating a dancer for quite a long time and therefore I can now say from the experience that the dating a dancer itself - and breaking up with a dancer - sure has it's good and bad sides.

When I was getting into my dating a dancer relationship, there were many hesitations going through my mind. Would it be worth to endanger the awesome feeling I was having with him in the dance floor? Would it be worth of possibly putting some of my dance friendships in danger to go further with this guy? Do I want to put myself under the dance community's observing eye and be exposed to some inevitable gossip? And what if we break up - will it be possible to successfully go on in the dancing scene with a good attitude towards him? So even considering to date a dancer has an extra layer of caution. Even doing a simple thing as going on a casual date with a dancer isn't that simple thing for me: I think not only twice but at least trice before I would say yes to a date invitation. It might happen that I connect with the other amazingly well in the dance floor but after a boring date the excitement in the dance floor is gone. Or what if the date goes well and the other starts to expect more from me that I'm willing to give? On the other side are the possible gossips inside the dance scene that dating around might cause. I love social dancing so much that I don't want to create any disturbances or extra drama to my dancing environment, so I'd rather go with a better-to-be-safe-than-sorry attitude. Surely, there are dancers who see dancing as an easy way of finding that special person, but for me that is not the case. I just want to dance.

So if even going on a date with a dancer was tricky, having a relationship with one can be far away from easy. It has been already quite a while ago that I read an interesting article from one dance instructor who thought that "the one" simply cannot be found from dance scene. According to her, the dancer men will be meeting "new, younger, faster, better models every week and end up ignoring you, breaking up with you, or worse, physically abusing you in the end." I can't say that I agree with everything she says, but I must say that seeing your man having an extreme sensual dance with another girl right next to you requires quite a stable and healthy relationship. I too had my moments of jealousness and I can't say that we wouldn't have had some I-saw-how-you-danced-with-that-girl/guy typed arguments. However, we both knew that what happens in the dance floor can be left to the dance floor (of course taken that what happened in the dance floor was inside the limits of dancing). If the relationship doesn't have a strong base or if both don't think of dancing the same way, it is easy to find trouble. I know I sometimes like dancing physically quite close, and I wouldn't like to change that just because I dated another dancer.

One of my friends, who dates a non-dancer guy, said that it is so much better to date a non-dancer because then the dance parties she goes are her own time and when she is there she doesn't need to worry about what he would think of her dancing with other guys. Out of sight, out of mind. Some others have said that it is great to have a dancer boy/girlfriend because you can do both the dance party and spending time with him/her at the same time. This goes well if you both are as into dancing as the other is; in my case I might have been a bit more dance enthusiastic wanting to arrive the party earlier and also to leave it later - yet another juicy source for unnecessary argument there. But if both of you are equally big dance addicts, dancing is a great connecting factor (imagine, for example, all those wonderful possibilities to go to dance festivals or other dance trips together!). I have both good and bad experiences of having a boyfriend in dance parties. Sometimes it was just so perfect having him there, spending time together doing something both loved to do and to dance the last ah-so-romantic song with my very own dancer. Sometimes having him there was just a disturbance for me, the dances we had were simply horrible and in the end there was a tough decision to be made between whether to stay out dancing or to leave earlier to fall asleep in his arms.

Maybe the biggest advantage in dating a dancer, though, is that a dancer is able to understand the dancer side of you: what dancing is, what it means, what are the limits, why you want to spend so much time doing it, why you need to get your dance fix, how you live your life through dancing etc. I once shortly dated a non-dancer and it was quite impossible to explain him why dancing was so important for me and why I was, according to him, "always" dancing. Also the physical closeness of dancing was something strange, incomprehensible and unnecessary source of jealousness for him. In the end it came down to choosing him or dancing and, well, that's how it ended up short. So, a dancer can better understand what dancing is - and what it is not. Also, viewing dancing from a dancer's perspective allows both to have a deeper understanding on the other's dancing self. After all, dancing is such a big part of me that I would like to my partner to know also that side! Not understanding the dancer me would be like not knowing a big part of me; there is a danger that he would never be able to understand who I really am. This is one reason why many of my dancer friends say they would rather date a dancer than a non-dancer: to be able to connect in a dance-level. And isn't it every dancer girl's dream come true to be one of those amazing, cute and hot dance couples that you just cannot stop staring because of their intense dance connection full of love and desire...

Then what if everything doesn't go as smooth as planned, that is, if a dancer had dated and broken up with another dancer, it is possible to successfully go on in the dancing scene with a good attitude towards the dated dancer? Because let's be honest: if you break up, you are inevitably forced to face each other in the same parties and circles again and again. There is no way of avoiding the other unless one changes the circles, that is, stops dancing your common dance style. If that is not going to happen (as it most probably is the case), is it possible to go back as if nothing had happened? What a horrible thought it is of being in a dance party full of your ex-boyfriends with who you can't get along after some fiery break-ups! There goes the comfortable dancing environment I was talking about. And what about the amazing dance connection between you two that possibly was the initial trigger to your relationship: will you ever get that back?

 

Of course it depends on the dancers whether or not they can get along. I've seen this causing a lot of drama and trouble but I've also witnessed some good after-dating friendships being established. Being forced to see each other can even have a positive effect both to your own recovery and to your new mutual relationship. It might not be the easiest thing to do, especially if the break-up itself was already tough enough, but in the long run the forced encounters will do you good, especially if your intention is to build some sort of friendship between you two. Don't expect this to happen overnight, though, because it will take time. When I had just broken up, I always needed to know in advance whether he would be in the party I was going so I could be ready to confront him. But even though I was mentally prepared to meet him, my heart would remind me of itself the moment I would see him. Dancing with him felt either heartbreaking or made me feel really annoyed. I was simply feeling better and had better dances when he was not around. Now I'm already used seeing him around and we've had some great dances together reminding me in a good way what a great leader I used to date and what a great leader I'm going to have as a friend (though I must admit that seeing him openly hitting on the next dancer girl in a dance party not too long after the break-up did make my blood boil for a while!). Actually, now the first genuine feeling I get when I notice him in a dance party is that I'm happy to see him as I'm happy to see any of my other closer dance friends. I can't say that seeing my other exes unexpectedly would feel as natural and comfortable as seeing him.

So yes, it is possible to have a comfortable dance environment regardless of your ex being there and even to have back that good dance connection you used to share. If you meet someone with who you really connect in a romantic level, I think it would be just silly to let something like "what if we break up and I have to see my ex all the time" being a big obstacle. That said, being comfortable with having your ex in your dance scene does take quite a bit time and effort to achieve (and in some cases it might even be impossible), so I would still be pretty cautious of dating inside my dance scene. As I said: I just want to dance.

 

Why Partner Dancing Ruins Your Dance Life.

There has been quite a lot of writing about the health benefits of partner dancing: they say that it is good for both your mind and body and that it even makes you smarter. Yet another reason to start partner dancing! But I must warn those who are not yet part of us addicts: it ruins the rest of your dancing life!

What, why?! To put it simply: after you get into partner dancing, it is the only way to get the most dance pleasure out of. Suddenly, dancing alone gets boring. Are you one of those who loves dancing in the clubs? After starting partner dancing, you dance one song and start glancing around in hopes of finding another partner dancer to dance with. Maybe you're one of those who loves going to solo dancing classes? Well, we partner dancers go to those classes too, but just to improve or add something to our partner dancing.

I can dance the whole night through - seriously, from evening until the very morning - if it is partner dancing. The only thing that can stop me going is either the end of the party or unbearable pain in my feet after dancing so much. It is impossible to get bored, provided that you have many great dancers to share the dances with. I see it this way: every dance is an adventure. It might be amazing, it might be horrible, but the point is that you never know what is going to happen. It is out of your control. Even if you wanted or planned it to be something, it can turn out to be something totally different. You might feel tired and lazy but after the dance feel super energetic and very alive. Or you might be very excited about the dance and end up disappointed. Or anything in between, over or under. But that is the beauty of it. You never know, you just have to dance it through and take what you get.

Now when I dance alone, there is no such a big adventure. Everything is in my control and I can make the dance just the way I want to. No surprises, no secrets to be revealed. No way I can dance the whole night, I hardly manage couple of songs before I find myself bored! That is because I know there is something better, or to put it another way, that there is something essential missing. 

Let me reveal you something: the secret ingredient of the whole adventure is a dance connection with your partner. I'm not talking about the technical dance connection that they teach in classes but something that goes deeper: a physical, energetic, spiritual and emotional connection with another human being in that very moment. That is the one that is never the same, even if the dance steps were. The connection can be deeper, lighter, stronger or weaker, and it is always different even with the same person. Nevertheless, is is always there, developing and changing constantly. And that is not all: by connecting to your dance partner, you connect to yourself in a way that can't be done alone. If you open yourself, there is a world of millions of discoveries waiting for you, just by getting into the dance floor with someone.

I truly admire talented solo dancers. Every dancer is a solo dancer: it is you who have to make the work to grow your skills, develop your technique and connect with the music. But since I've experienced the better, I regard solo dancing is missing the secret ingredient that makes dancing the big adventure I want it to be. 

Here is the final warning: it is the knowledge of the secret ingredient that ruins the rest of your dance life. But that is the very same ingredient that makes you the most addicted to partner dancing. So, it is up to you: do you have the courage to give it a try?